“Red Rover, Red Rover, send Jennifer right over.” I remember playing this game in elementary school on the Indian Valley blacktop and my biggest worry was not being selected, not getting to play the game. I wanted to partake and be involved and share in the fun and experience with others. I’m sure that all of us have felt left out, neglected, and unseen at some point in school, sports, college, work, social and friend groups. Rejection hurts and is usually made more painful by the fact that we don’t know why. “Why not me? Why not now? Why them instead of me?”

On the other hand, the pressure on the person doing the selecting is as stressful as the pressure on the person waiting to be picked. For the “selector” there are fleeting questions like, “Do I know enough about this person to invite them to join me?”, “Does this person have the skills we need to succeed?”, “Can I trust my reputation on bringing this person into the mix?” Red Rover, Red Rover . . . There is this building tension with the unsaid dialogue waiting on a decision. Often, we don’t have the answers to all our questions, but we still need to make a decision based on the facts we do know and be ok taking on the risk of the unknown. It’s easy in these moments to skew to the familiar and what we know . . . Red Rover, Red Rover . . . .“Well I just went out with that person and we have so much in common”, or “I’ve never worked with that person and that scares me.” It’s difficult to bring awareness to these sometimes subtle biases and open ourselves up to someone or something new and unknown.
I have found myself recently reflecting on this dynamic of choosing and being chosen through my life with schoolmates, teammates, colleagues, strangers and friends. Many times I have found myself on the periphery or outside looking in, longing to be included, asked to join, and embraced for who I authentically am. In these “selection” moments, I have experienced the intensity of this push-pull dynamic that can feel like waiting on the blacktop hoping my name is called . . . Red Rover, Red Rover send Jennifer right over. “Yes, I’m seen and wanted!”
I have been on both sides of this selection fence and experienced the anxiety and uncertainty before a decision and the relief and clarity an intentional and thoughtfully communicated decision creates. I have seen many selection decisions made without clarity in purpose and without ownership of consequences. The resulting anger, disappointment, and frustration can linger, be devastating, and have long-term consequences. These are the selection decisions that hang around in our psyche and weigh us down. Conversely, decisions made and communicated with intentional purpose and responsibility for the outcomes and impact are no doubt tough for the unchosen, but can more likely be received with ease. This approach to selection supports all involved to be resilient moving forward with less baggage and unproductive psychological churn and continue “playing the game.” I have both experienced and seen these different rejection approaches many times and the opposing human impact that results.
Selection decisions for projects, jobs, friends, social groups, teams, etc leave an impression and have a lasting impact on the unchosen with a ripple effect to those people 1, 2, 3 degrees removed. These decisions impacting humans need to be well thought out. They need to align to a clear purpose, include multiple perspectives, and be communicated with compassion to support accountable selections, trusting connections, and healthy human interactions. Red Rover, Red Rover . . . if you find yourself unchosen or discarded on the sidelines, gracefully move to another “blacktop”, find new people, and start a new game. When your name is called, run on over!
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